Jesus, the Lover of my Soul.

Valentine’s Day points to a Greater Love.

Valentine’s Day, more often than not, mistakenly points people to a false love: the love of “love.” All day, we see photos of acts of love. Gifts given, sappy posts, cute photos, maybe engagements, etc. We see businesses capitalizing on the love of “love.” It makes many feel lonely, and upset that they don’t have a guy or girl to spend it with. Buuuuut, it shouldn’t be a day that points us to the desire for love, relationships, or marriage. It should point us to a greater love… Jesus. And it should lead to an abundance of joy and praise.

I want to walk through a few things, scriptures and hymns, that I am praying will lead to worship of the King who loves greater than any human ever could.

Revelation 19

Revelation 19, is nothing without first establishing why it is something.

We were wretched heathens, joyfully sinning against God. But 2000 years ago, the greatest act of love occurred.

“..Christ died of our sins in accordance with the scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day..” (1 Cor 15:3-4) and ascended to Heaven, is reigning at the right hand of God, and is interceding for us daily.

He was “pierced for our transgressions… crushed for our iniquities…” (Isaiah 53) because we are full of sin. But He loved us, and undertook that wrath, so that “with His wounds we are healed” (Isaiah 53). Nothing is more loving than this.

Because this has happened, we can be saved by believing and trusting in this truth. When we repent and believe, we are made righteous in the sight of God. We are engrafted into His family and promise. And when we are engrafted, we become His bride.

We were made for a much better relationship and marriage. The marriage to the Lamb.

As we look at Valentine’s Day today, we should see how fleeting all of it is, and how lasting God’s Kingdom is. We should have eternity in view. Our eternity, is marriage to God.

We will be at the wedding feast, singing praises to Jehovah.

Because of Christ, we will be clothed “with fine linen, bright and pure” (Rev 19:8) because we have been washed by the blood from His wounds.

Come and Dine by Charles B. Widmeyer

This hymn is based on Revelation 19 and it is precious.

Because Christ loved us, and has saved us, we can joyfully rest in that, and sing with the saints:

“Soon the Lamb will take His bride
To be ever at His side,
All the host of heaven will assembled be;
Oh, ’twill be a glorious sight,
All the saints in spotless white;
And with Jesus they will feast eternally.”

This love is why we will be at the feast supping with our God.

Praise Him!

Jesus, Lover of My Soul by Charles Wesley

All morning, I have had this stuck in my head.

“To [Jesus] who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood…” (Rev 1:5)

Because Jesus loves us, he is our haven and to whom we can draw near. (James 4:8)

Because Jesus loves us, he is our refuge, our bulwark. (Psalm 27)

Because Jesus loves us, we can cast all our cares in him. (Psalm 94:19)

Because Jesus loves us, we can find all of our needs. (Phil 4:19-20; Psalm 40:17)

Because Jesus loves us, we can find in him grace, healing, purity/holiness, and life. (1 John 1:511-12)

Other reflections and reminders

Because we know all of this to be true, may we rest in it, and be satisfied in Christ. Because it points to a greater love, we can say “I’d rather have more single Valentine’s days and have Christ, than to be in a relationship every year and not have Christ!”

Singleness is a gift. Like marriage is a gift, singleness is a sweet gift.

Our identity is not in “single” or “taken”. We cannot view life through that lens. Our identity is “wretched sinner, saved by a gracious God, and made into a child of the One True King.”

Do not fall prey to discontentment – find your contentment in Christ and not circumstances.

We can praise God for friendships! My friends and I pray for each other, weep for each other, and encourage each other. Intimate, deep, and loving! What a joy.

Just because we aren’t in an earthly marriage covenant, we are in a different covenant. Aside from being in a covenant with God because of Christ, we are in a covenant with believers. In the local church, we have covenanted together to love each other, serve each other, and stir each other up to love and good deeds. He has knit his children together through Christ’s blood.

Remember, this all points to something greater!

———–

All of these truths are such a sweet comfort. Rather than February 14th being a day that we try to begrudgingly fly through, trying to avoid the reminders that we are single, and falling into idolizing love and companionship, may we meditate on the truths and Word of God. Praising Him for the singleness and the love and companionship of Christ!

2018: Hardships, joys, new goals.

I read this article from Desiring God, that caused me to evaluate this past year.

The main point of Sam Allberry’s article, was how God works all things for the good of those who love Him. He couldn’t be more right, and I see that thread all throughout the past year.

This year was one of the most hectic and JAM PACKED years I have had, I went back to school while working full time, I have now moved twice, done a little traveling a few times so far, lost a few people (both two death & relationship wise), struggled with despair, struggled with joy. And it has been so hectic, to the point, that I some times forget what things happened this year, and what has happened in the previous years, because it doesn’t seem like there was a moments rest, but rather constantly being on my toes waiting for the next thing.

All year, the Lord has just reveal so many things to me.

Through school, He showed me how undisciplined and lazy/slothful I am. Often, I was so disgusted with how bad it was. I did not manage my school work well, at all. To the point that this semester, I thought I would have to retake one of the easiest classes I had, because I kept forgetting to do my assignments and turn them in.

The family I lived with for almost 2 years, moved to North Carolina to pursue seminary, and I was so broken over them leaving. That was really hard for me, because they had become family, taught me how to be an adult, and loved me, rebuked me, and walked alongside me through a lot of things.

Doubt.. There were also many times, where I saw my lack of trust. I was on a constant cycle of episodes of depression and despair. I probably was on a downward slope more than I was on spiritual highs. There was one point earlier this year, that my heart ached every day probably for a few months, doubting multiple things. I doubted my salvation so much – and even worse whether God actually existed. During that time, I was learning about apologetics from a super smart guy, with the teens at church… and so every day I was trying to argue truth with myself. Reminding myself, from studying anatomy and learning about the “fine tuned” argument, that there is a Creator, otherwise there’s no way the body could maintain homeostasis, or that it can function in the way it functions, and that the earth, gravity, chemicals, etc. are so fine tuned, that without a Creator, none of this is absolutely possible, because one thing that is off by even the nth degree, it could not possible exist. And then, arguing the fact that the Creator was real, I was left with fighting whether I was a Christian. Constantly, being shown my sin, was killing me, and I was constantly thinking “how can my evil soul be saved?!” But the grace of the Lord is so abundant, that just by me questioning that, just by seeing how much I hated my sin, I could see He was just working in my weary heart. And this past semester, reading through Revelation, really showed me how I was and am the Lord’s, He has sealed me, and I am forever His.

One verse that was particularly sweet was Isaiah 42:3 “a bruised reed he will not break, and a faintly burning wick he will not quench; he will faithfully bring forth justice.” As His child, He will not let that happen. His Spirit will enable me to persevere to the end.

Loss.. I lost a family member, though, not super close to, but did know.. was rough for me, during my time of struggling with God’s existence, as well as seeing my grandfather for the first time in years, as he was immobile, unable to talk, etc. I was doubting the Lord’s goodness, and finally came out of that season, and witnessed that, and it was as if it had all hit me once more. The inexpressible joy I had felt, was ripped right from underneath me by the enemy. I was consistently reminding myself, that it’s okay, this doesn’t negate his goodness. I lost a person, which I don’t want to go into, but I know it was for the best, and I’m not sure if we will ever be reconciled, but I am consistently praying for her & her salvation. I lost a guy, a very godly guy, who I liked, and thought things could finally workout with after a year of us not talking, and growing in the Lord. But it didn’t. Distance was clearly hard to overcome, my fear got the best of me, but ultimately the Lord is faithful.

Sin.. This year, I can safely say has been a battle of the flesh versus the will of the spirit. I’ve come to the conclusion, that the farther along you get in your walk, and the more faithfully you study and learn who God is, the more you see how freakin sinful you are in relation to this holy God. Every time I looked around the corner, it was like I was seeing more and more how sinful I was. (Hence my huge struggle with my salvation.) I walk away this year, with a deeper reality of how ugly my sin is. And the deeper my relationship with God has grown, I see how holy, just, and beautiful He is. And how sinfulness has no right or place to even stand in his presence. But, here I am, standing before him, praying to him, reading his Word, communing with him, fellowshipping with his children, full of sin. O, how I don’t deserve that grace.

But, thankfully, it doesn’t end there.

The thread of God’s grace, and how he works all things for the good of those who loves him, runs through each and every one of these scenarios and other’s that I did not list.

Through my struggle with school, I see how weak I am, and how much I need God to carry me and give me the strength to do what I am supposed to.

Through my friends leaving, I was able to live with another family who loved me so well, and who were a grace and joy in my life. and I believe has deepened my love for not only the second family I lived with, but also the love for the first family.

My doubt showed me, that it is so easy for me to be like “a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind” (James 1:6). But, God, is unshakeable and unchangeable. And though I do not feel he is near, it does not mean that he is. Though I cannot comprehend his ways, does not make them wrong or false. He is the steady foundation upon which I must stand and build my house.

Through loss, through my own commitment issues, I have seen that in people’s unfaithfulness, and in people’s departures, God is a faithful God, who is always there, and will never leave.

Through my sin, I have seen, that grace abounds. I have seen how much I hate it. I have praised God for giving me a spirit that is sensitive to my sin, that sees it quickly, so that I may repent, and return to my first love (Revelation 2:4). I don’t deserve that, yet, he allows me to see it, he enables me to repent and turn from sins. God is a stronghold in the constant battle of sin. I see how weak my flesh is, and how needy I am, and how much I must rely on Him to help carry me to the end of my days.

This year, I have never longed for Heaven so much in my life. And all of these things, plus more, just fuel the fire of that desire.

This year, I have never had to remind myself of the gospel so many times. How I was dead in my sin, God chose me before the foundation of the world, and sent His precious Son, who is God incarnate, to die on a Cross, bearing the wrath deserved for my sin, and rose from the dead, and is in Heaven, constantly interceding for me. O, what a precious truth this is.

This year, I have had relationships grow so much deeper with people. Groups of accountability. Praying with and for people. Being one who for a few years was being poured into, having the blessing of pouring into others. The love and closeness of the body of Christ, is absolutely precious.

And, discipleship relationships, every Christian needs them.

I have grown to, though I feel sad and unhappy, and broken and hurt, to be filled with so much joy, knowing this won’t last forever and one day I will be in glory with my Father.

This year, I’ve learned a lot more about God’s wrath. Which is been scary and good. And in that, I’ve learned about his justice. How he is justified in doing what he does. Even if my sinful heart doesn’t like it. But knowing he is all together good, and can see what I cannot.

I have tasted and seen more abundantly, His goodness.

I have repented more than I ever have. Praise God.

“I have learned to kiss the wave that throws me against the Rock of Ages.” Charles Spurgeon

He is an awesome God.

My goals for 2019.

  1. Manage time better, even if it’s just a little better.
  2. Praise God more and more.
  3. Repent more.
  4. Commune with Him, even when I do not feel like it.
  5. Constantly remind myself, that even in struggles God is good and this all is for my good.
  6. Learn from this year.
  7. Pray more, knowing He can, He will, and even if not.. He is still God.
  8. Every time I see an idol in my heart, smash it, and put God back in His rightful place.
  9. Memorize more scripture.

(that’s it for now, I’m sure more will be added to that list :P)

I am so thankful for the fact that the Lord sanctifies. Each minute of fighting with sin, struggle, amount of suffering, is preparing us for “an eternal weight of glory” (2 Cor 4:17), and we are being made more like Christ. He loves us & cares for us, and is always with us. Praise Him.

Grace & peace,

Miranda

Psalm 22

To You they cried out and were delivered; In You they trusted and were not disappointed.

For He has not despised nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; Nor has He hidden His face from him; But when he cried to Him for help, He heard.

The afflicted will eat and be satisfied; Those who seek Him will praise the Lord. Let your heart live forever!

Psalm 22:5,24,26

Revelation is a pride killer.

Last week I started my church’s study of Revelation for small group.

I read through it once before starting the study, to have an overview before I dug in deep.

When you feel like you have a good sense of Bible fluency and literacy… read Revelations.

Though we will NEVER fully understand the Bible with our finite minds, we can still somewhat have a decent understanding.

I thought I did, until now. Haha.

As I read it in depth, along with cross references, I keep coming away with “what…” to both the book of Revelation and the cross references from the OT.

At one point I said to someone “I want to bang my head against the wall.” I struggle to take in all the information & make all of connections.

It is an absolute pride killer. And just a reminder of my need of Him and His Holy Spirit.

I’ve started, as I’ve read it, constantly asking “okay how does this truth cause me to worship Jesus more?” And that has been more helpful than just trying to indulge in information.

Overall, the book is an amazing book, showing God’s love for His people and Jesus’ second coming, and I want to know him and worship him more through it.

“Blessed is the one who reads aloud the words of this prophecy, and blessed are those who hear, and who keep what is written in it, for the time is near.” Rev. 1:3

Grace & Peace

Miranda

Weaknesses.

Read this prayer from Valley of Vision.

The more and more He reveals to me my weaknesses, the more and more I see my deep and desperate need for His forgiveness, His teaching, His deliverance, His help.

I want to “laud, adore, and magnify [him]”, Him alone.

I want to be a happy, holy person. Happy, not because of specific circumstances, but because in whatever circumstance, I have the Lord’s gracious favour because of Christ Jesus.

I want to be content with whatever, so long as I can see His face and be brought near to Him.

So often I adore the world. I chase the things of the flesh. I am sad and broken over things that hold no eternal weight. I am constantly wanting and craving things not in mine own possession.

O Lord, would I only be happy and satisfied that I have Christ. would I only worship the Creator and not the creation. would my only desire be His glory. His grace. Him.

 

A break.

My heart has been incredibly burdened by a multitude of things as of recent.

This has caused me to decide to take a break from social media for at least a month, as I sort through things.

Both my Facebook and Instagram are still open – because I have other things connected through them. But my friend changed my passwords on them so I cannot get on them.

During that time, I want to write on here more. Spending that time expressing myself and my thoughts.

I want to spend that time seeking the Lord’s face, resting from the things of social media – the distraction, the comparing, the facade.

I hope this proves fruitful.

Grace & peace

Miranda

The war with sin. {part one}

I feel like every time I come back to write for this blog, it’s about sin. Ha. I guess every time I decide to write, it’s when I am trying to remind myself of God’s truths, and I want to share what I am reminding myself of. (Warning, this is all over the place; a bunch of my jumbled thoughts.)

My heart is burdened by my sins, and I have to remind myself of what is true.

When I was saved, it was because I trusted in essential truths:

– that I am full of sin. (Romans 3:10-12)

– that, because of that, I needed redemption. (Galatians 3:13)

– that Christ came to earth, lived a perfect life. Died upon the Cross. Rose from the dead. And ascended to heaven. (1Cor 15:3-6)

One of the hardest pills to swallow was, and continues to be this:

My sin, nailed him to the cross

My sin, caused him to pour out his blood

My sin is so awful that it killed a man.

That is just how serious my transgressions are.

But, in that, his death has cleansed me and made me a new creation.

——

This is where it gets sticky though.

Though we are new creations… we still fall into temptation and sin..

{ For some reason the allure of sin is so great. It clothes itself in honey. It seems so sweet and satisfying.

When you’re thirsty, and not drinking from his well, you will drink from anything to quench that thirst. Including the bitter cup of sin, that disguised itself as nourishing water or milk — but it has become like wormwood (Revelation 8:10-11). This water leads to death.

Which is why, when we are thirsty, we must look at Christ, beg for his water, the life giving water. Not looking at Christ, we put on the rose-coloured glasses that disguise sin for what is really is. }

What may possibly be even worse (or, at least make us feel worse), is running back to the same sin. I’ve been cleaned, I’ve put on the new man. Why do I keep running back to the old man? Like a dog going back to smell its poo. Holding onto filth. Whyyyy?

It disguised itself just like all the other ones.

Why can’t we just leave the sins at the cross once we repent of them? Why do we have to keep prying them off? Sometimes, the reoccurring ones are a way Satan takes our gaze off of Christ, so that we sin against him.

But, for the believer, Satan is never the victor.

In the moment, he may win the battle.

But Christ always wins the war.

We need to wage war against Satan and the flesh.

We must cry with David “Arise, O Lord” (Ps 3:7; 7:6; 10:12; 68:1), asking him to arise and fight for us.

Daily, we must put off the old self, and put on the new self. Replacing the old with the new.

When I trusted the Lord & the gospel, I was made positionally holy. Made righteous in God’s sight, because of Christ’s sacrifice.

Though we are made positionally holy, a saint of the Lord,

We live a life striving after practical holiness.

We will never be fully sanctified in this life. Not until we are in heaven united with the Lord

It is an ongoing process, in which we will struggle and suffer, but we must lean on and trust in him – and fight the good fight of faith (1 Tim 6:11-12).

Like I said, we will struggle and suffer, we will fail in the fight for holiness and godliness.

He knows that we will.

But if we confess and repent, he is quick to forgive.

It shows our weakness, and as we see our weakness, may we be pointed to look at God and his strength. May we see our need for him, and run to him.

Verses:

Colossians 2:13-14

Colossians 2:6-7

Colossians 3:1-11

Titus 3:4-7

Isaiah 52:13- 53:1-12

Psalm 121

Release me from this snare – Beautiful Eulogy

His mercy is more – Matt Boswell

He will hold me fast – Norton Hall Band

Come Ye sinners – Norton Hall Band

A Prayer – Kings Kaleidoscope (ok… the whole beyond control album…)

Just had to add this one in because I can’t stop listening…

I know – Kings Kaleidoscope

This was part one. A bunch of my thoughts and meditations.

I plan to do a part two soon.

It will be a response to the burden of our sins, from Psalm 51.

Grace & peace

Miranda

Sins of the heart and desire for the Lord.

Recently, I have really lacked a desire to be in the Word, to pray, to have any kind of communion with God.

Maybe a few days a couple weeks ago, I had a really strong desire, but that flame went out very quickly.

I’ve been asking for prayers for it, and on and off praying for it myself. And it hasn’t really gotten better.

I’m constantly distracted. When I do get that time, I fall asleep while praying (in the morning.), or I’ll read a couple words, and then I’m on my phone or up doing something. Or I’ll start praying and I’ll stop and start thinking about what I’m about to do in two hours. Then I just stop and go on with my day. And every time it has not phased me.

Even on the Lord’s day, I will dread spending time under the preached Word. But then I’ll hear it, and I’ll partake of the Lord’s Supper, and it’s like I’m on a high, and maybe an hour later, I’m back in my own little world and completely uninterested.

So the other day, I considered “maybe there is an ongoing sin in my life that is causing this.” And I began to pray for the Lord to reveal any hidden sins in my heart that may be creating this fog and drought.

Lo and behold, he sure did show me.

I recently started reading In His Image by Jen Wilkin. The first chapter is about God’s holiness. I was incredibly convicted over my lack of fruit, and also my lack of worship towards him.

Thinking on his holiness, I started to see how small my view of God has gotten.

When I was first converted three and a half years ago, I was always in awe of him. I sat at his feet constantly drinking from his well and indulging in his truths. And I craved his Word.

Now, not so much.

I don’t revere him like I should.

I have made him my God, only when it’s on my terms.

I try to make him bow to my will.

I try to make myself the center of his universe.

My gaze has turned off of him and onto myself and the world.

But he deserves my worship.

He deserves it all day every day.

I must bow to him.

Nothing in the world deserves for my gaze and affections to be fixated on them, and not him.

All of these things have created a cloud that has covered the face of God from my sight.

All of these things are sins against God. I really want to let go of them, and put them to death.

I will always have to fight these things because of my flesh. But I must strive to be holy. I’m praying that he will restore my desire, restore my joy.

I don’t want to have a small view of God.

That chapter really came in a timely manner. To help show the sins of my heart that I probably otherwise would not have seen.

Praise him.

My heart is tempted to dwell here though. And wallow in the sadness that accompanies the unmasking of my sin.

But I’m thankful that if I admit my sins to God, and have a contrite spirit, he is willing to forgive. (Not a license to sin. We should strive not to..)

He hears my prayers and cries. He listens and will answer.

I must trust that the work done on the Cross is sufficient enough for my sins.

After darkness, light. For that, I am thankful.

Grace & peace,

Randa.

My sin, but my God’s mercy.

I should be asleep right now, but my killer headache is preventing that.

So I of course do the obvious, and over think while I cannot sleep. And I’m writing about it, and it may not even make sense.

On that note, In today’s segment of overthinking and late night ramblings:

My sin.

This week has been full of me reflecting and thinking on my sin.

I’ve questioned my salvation a few times.

I’ve prayed a lot, I’ve sought the Lord a lot.

I’ve had some SWEET times in the Word this week, that I have not had LITERALLY in months. I am so thankful for that.

But all of that is a product of God showing me how wretched and disgusting my heart is.

I’ve noticed that I constantly seek outward obedience, but this week he showed me how wicked my heart is and how I cannot be outwardly obedient until my heart is inwardly obedient. (Obviously, on this side of things, we will never be able to be perfectly obedient regardless. But, we must actively strive.)

My inward being holds so much anger, disobedience, and sin. My desires are so wrong. And I keep seeing that.

But I keep praying for the Lord to change it. I want him to search the depths of my heart and reveal the wrong that is in it.

And it’s going to be painful.

God is molding his people. But the molding is not pleasant. The grievous parts of us are going to be sanded down and chipped away at. And I can tell he’s doing that to me.

He’s smashing idols in my heart. He’s revealing sin in my heart. He is shining a huge light on it and yelling “Look at me! Mortify me now!” And it’s not pretty.

I really want to mortify it. But my flesh is oh so weak.

But I keep thinking about the verse in Psalm 119 that talks about how we can keep our path pure – by guarding it by his Word. It’s so important to guard our hearts with his Word.

I catch myself constantly trying to fix things when I fall into sin. I will be like “okay I need to do this, and this, I don’t need to do this” instead of turning to Christ. I try to clean up the outward and hope that will translate inwardly. Sadly, it never does.

But, when it’s taken to Christ, it transforms the heart. And when the hearts transformed the outward, physical being follows. The state of the heart pours out into the daily life. When we delight in the Lord and the Word, the pours out.

But like I said earlier, not a pretty process. It’s painful and ugly.

The ongoing day to day practical sanctification takes a long time, and is a tedious and scary process.

But how sweet will is it to be able to look at that and see the Lord’s hand in it all.

That’s a good place to transition. I talked about all the sin and stuff.

God’s mercy though.

Man, though I sin, though I am working through all this, though he sees my wicked heart. He still loves me. Do I please him all the time? Heck no. Do I cause him to be angry? Yes. Do I get disciplined? Yes.

Am I deserving of his favour? Of his delight? Of his discipline? Of his saving work in my heart? An even bigger heck no.

Yet he so freely gives it to me, because of Christ’s work.

Because of Christ’s work I don’t have to run and be like “okay I have to do this and that”, but I can run to Christ. I can rest in the fact that I am a great sinner, but Christ is a great Saviour, who because of his death, I can run to him and receive help to put to death my sin and ask for my heart to be transformed, and it be done even if it takes years.

Some times when I sin, I think “He should just strike me dead right now. I would totally deserve it.” But yet he doesn’t, which shocks me some times, ha.

Being able to live, and {attempt} to glorify him even in the most minuscule ways – like the fact that I sin so abundantly, but he is so gracious in loving me and forgiving me – is such a sweet grace. I am so thankful.

I feel like a lot of this won’t make sense. And like I’m missing a lot of thoughts. Which is okay, but it was nice just writing it down.

Rambling can be fun.

Peace out.